My Gay Best Friend
--- K.P. Lennox
Hi, just found EAL, I dig this, but Gay Best Friend can you tell me what women really want, it seems too confusing and not worth the effort, I feel you have it easy being gay and all, gay people are more open and fun and less hassle it seems at times, just wondering what your thoughts are.
---nick
(nick's question was originally posted as a comment as a result to the January issue)
Hi nick, Gay Best Friend here. After a day-long quest and consultation with the women closest to yours truly I finally have an answer. The best part? It won’t involve any hair dryers, bathtubs or naked Mel Gibsons—lucky you! Your primary objective: respect. Trust me; it’s harder than you think. Remember that small acts of conscientiousness impress greatly.
The next time you’re out—whether at a bar or party—ask the lady if she’d like a drink while you’re already up. Forego words like pussy, bitch, slut, whore, wench, tramp, twat, or ESPECIALLY cunt when referring to any woman or lady bits. This is another person we’re talking about, and as such she deserves to be treated as your equal. Never forget that.
Your secondary objective: communication. If you ARE intimate with someone you need to talk to them and clearly express what you expect. I can’t stress this enough—for fuck sake, TALK! If you’re not in a relationship, this takes on the twist of “playing games”. Everyone bitches and whines about having to do it, but this is the test. The easiest thing to do is casually talk—holy shit, I think there’s a motif here—to the girl, screw up your courage enough to give her your number and say “if you want to get coffee or a bite to eat sometime, let me know!”. Then WALK AWAY. I repeat, WALK AWAY. You’ve planted a small seed to let her know you are interested.
Now, let the game-playing begin. As time passes and you gain the experience of more than a handful of relationships you will begin to weed out what works and what fails. Just as any other, success at the sport of relations requires a level of dedication and repetition. Even if you get trampled on, dust the shit off your shoulders and put yourself back out there. But remember, never give up. Never lose hope.
And when all else fails, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qrO4YZeyl0I
---Gay Best Friend
Dear Gay Best Friend,
Now that we have the answer to the proverbial ‘what do women want’ I have a question for you. I’ve been single forever, I’m not a supermodel, but I’m smart and independent. Why is it always the tramp on the next barstool that gets the guy though? Are all men just looking for a hookup? What is it that MEN want?!
---Confused and Lonely
Ok Confused, you’ve got a whole 12 minutes of my time—seeing as that’s how long I’ve got before some crazy bitch steals my clothes out of the dryer. The answer to your question is yes, a lot of times men are simply looking for a hookup. It’s a fact; people are horny, and they need sexual fulfillment.
As to the trampy girl next to you on the barstool. You’re obviously competing with someone a bit easier than yourself on any given night. Seeing as how we can’t fix the entirety of the male population, maybe you need a bit of tweaking.
There is nothing wrong with being slutty. Ok? Let me reiterate that: THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING SLUTTY! Think of it as a method of empowerment; you now have control over the doting brute that is…drumroll please…the heterosexual male.
In fact, without giving your grandmother a coronary, adopt some of these seductive maneuvers. The next time you go out throw on some fierce little black dress and a pair of stilettos. And for fuck’s sake get a new attitude. No one wants to bang—unless their horrendously desperate—some Low self-esteem Lisa. They don’t call it liquid courage for nothing. Have a drink...or four.
Just don’t end up being a hot mess.
Rockin’ a small buzz yet? Good, now to the next step: eye contact. As you’re slowly sipping your gin and tonic, look around the room. Just casually; don’t eye-rape anyone, it’s rude. This will take some practice, but just keep trying.
Has anyone come up to you in a bar or at a party and asked if you’d want a relationship?
Exactly!
Quit being so caught up with significant others and monogamy. If you’re single, your only obligation is to please yourself and enjoy the process!
And if you are able to secure a good piece of ass in the process, kudos to you!
---Gay Best Friend
For the wise advice from our GBF, please send all questions to ealadvice@gmail.com and your question may be answered in the next issue!!
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