Featured Fiction - May

Bucky the Amoeba Slayer

--- Stevie Chang

If I had a little more common sense, I would have gone to sleep earlier instead of staying up until 5:24 am playing through online games.

If I had gone to bed a little earlier, I would have heard my alarm clock and gone to class on time.

If I had arrived at class on time, I would have never run into that alarmingly ignorant kid.

If I had never met that person, I would have never gotten involved in this ridiculous situation in the first place.

But, unfortunately, since I fundamentally lack a sufficient amount of common sense, I was dragged into an invisible, full-scale interstellar war between flesh-eating aliens and a strange hose-wielding girl who called herself Bucky the Amoeba Slayer.

.....

  I dashed out of the dorm, backpack hanging haphazardly off one shoulder.  Ah, I shouldn't have played that stupid game last night, I thought furiously.  I inwardly cursed myself for setting my cell phone alarm on vibrate and not full-blast sound.

  Not bothering to look both ways, I started to run across the street when someone abruptly grabbed me by the collar, whirled me around, and threw me onto the sidewalk.  OH MY GO-- my windpipe-- I smashed onto the ground. 

  Between coughing and wheezing, I vaguely heard the sounds of the campus perimeter bus zooming by and the voice of someone bellowing in my ear: "DON'T DO IT~!"

  I barely had time to catch my breath again before my would-be savior grabbed me by the shoulders and started shaking me violently back and forth.  "No matter how hard your life is, you must go on!  Homework is no big deal!  Broken hearts and cheating girlfriends are no big deal!  Accidently ingesting cow chips is no big deal!  Living is the important thing!"  

  That doesn't even make sense.  “What the hell—”  Through watery eyes, I could make out a girl with short dark hair and wearing the most hideous, formless looking dress I've ever seen.  Wrapped around her waist like a belt was a portion of a bright green garden hose, while dangling over her back was a huge patched-up rucksack.  Dobby looked more fashionable.

  "Get off!"  I pushed her away and massaged my neck.  "I wasn't trying to kill myself, ok?"

She stared back, suddenly perplexed.  "You weren't?  But in the information manual of humans I received clearly said that humans tend to jump in front of high-velocity vehicles when they experience an immediate loss of hope in their lives."

  "Ah..."  I'll just... ignore what she just said.  "I wasn't jumping out, I just didn't see the car coming."  Irritated, I stood up and checked my watch.  Oh well, too late for class anyway.  "Anyhow, thanks for saving me."  I started to walk away.

  “WAIT!”  She grabbed my pants and beamed sheepishly at me. “I saved you right?  You owe me, right?”

.....

  Sitting at our table at a café near the school campus, I watched helplessly as the weird girl wolfed down a banana-strawberry-kiwi-and-honey crepe, a bucket of strawberry ice cream sundae, and fist-sized cream puffs.  If she doesn't get sick, I definitely will.  Checking my wallet, I tearfully bid farewell to my remaining monthly allowance.  Since it was already too late for breakfast but still too early for lunch, the small cafe was empty except for the waiter, saving me the embarrassment of taking out such a distressingly unfashionable girl to lunch.

  Polishing the last of the dusted sugar off her plate, the girl sat back and grinned impishly at me.  "I'm glad you gave up trying to kill yourself."  No, actually, like I said, I wasn't really trying to do anything.  Rather, what are you trying to pull?  "It's a good thing I got here when I did, or you might have been attacked by them flesh-eating aliens!"

  "Flesh eating...?"  That's great.  Just peachy.  Of all the people I could have been saved by, I was saved by some insane chick.  Or is this her idea of some sick joke?  I leaned forward whispered jokingly, "And I guess you're some great soldier sent from outer space to fight these 'amoebas'?"

  Instead of bursting out laughing (as I had vainly and desperately hoped), she jumped up and covered my mouth.  Glancing around to make sure no one was close enough to hear us, she nodded solemnly.  "I have been sent by the mothership of our fleet, the great SS Vampirate, to destroy the evil amoebas which decimated my home planet's population.  My mission is an absolute secret!  And," she lowered her voice confidentially, "I'm not supposed to let civvies know about this, but your planet has already been overrun by a large number of flesh-eating amoebas.  It's only a matter of time before they start taking over!"  She seemed to remember something and dug something out of her rucksack, sliding it across the table to me.  I don't know what she thinks this is, but isn't this just... a neon pink water gun?  What am I supposed to do with this?

  "It's an Ethergun.  It'll protect you from them darn amoebas."

  Mothership?  Mission?  Civvies?  I tried to change the subject before I could get sucked into her twisted fantasies.  Escape!  "Why are you wearing..." I gestured at her 'dress.'  

  She blushed and started playing with her short locks.  "The information manual said human girls sometimes wear dresses to look pretty!  What do you think?" 
  She got up, spun around, and posed, her burlap sack of a dress flopping around limply.  I resisted the urge to laugh hysterically.  "I, um, I'm going to go pay the bill."

.....

  She was gone by the time I came back to the table, leaving only the bright neon pink water gun -- er, Ethergun -- behind.  Inner fist pump moment.  Finally lost the crazy girl.  

  In fact, it would have been a perfect escape if only the waiter didn't suddenly roundhouse kick me into the wall.

  "Wha-" I choked out, peeling myself off the cafe's plaster.  I stared dumbfounded as the previously very-human-looking waiter seemed to melt away into a translucent slime monster.  Is he angry I didn’t tip him enough?  Did I accidentally fall asleep?  Is this a dream that I'm still playing my online games?  I started laughing weakly.  "I see now, this is a dream!  I just have to defeat this monster to wake up!”

  (Remember how I told you I was missing some common sense?)

  I may not be a great student, but I am highly confident in my gaming abilities.  Grabbing the pink water gun from the table, I waited for the slime to approach my firing range before squirting at it.  Regretfully, my bravado only lasted a good ten seconds before I was swatted back into the wall.  Ok.  This may not be a dream after all.

  “Wow, you’re pretty good with that Ethergun!”

  Should I be feeling relief or frustration?  I turned to glare at her, but upon seeing her outrageous get-up, abandoned all will to analyze my situation anymore.

  Giggling, she spun around again.  “In the name of the SS Vampirate, I’ll punish you!”  She turned to me, flaunting an absurdly frilly and fluffy pink mini dress.  What the hell what the hell what the hell what the hell what the hell—

  “The instruction manual said that girls who fight crime always wear clothes like this!  I’ve done my research!”

  “WHAT KIND OF RESEARCH ARE YOU DOING?!” I roared, dodging a blow from the slime blob.

  She ignored me and instead addressed the slime.  “Ignorant miscreant!  If you thought to attack an innocent bystander while I was in the bathroom changing—” Ah, so that’s where she was.  “—think again!  I will defeat you and all of your slimy amoeba kind!”

  It would have been much more impressive if she hadn’t immediately followed up her words with a series of new poses, tripped, and sprawled face-down on café’s tiles.  I wonder if it’s really alright with her around…?  Both I and the flesh-eating amoeba paused for a few seconds to stare, speechless, at her antics.  Recovering her stance with a somersault, she unhooked the hose from her waist and connected it to a widget on her rucksack.  “Take this!  Super Sparkle Sprinkler!” she shouted, pulling the trigger on her hose pistol.  A green-tinged liquid gushed out of the hose and washed over the monster, which promptly melted into a puddle.  That was fast.

…..

  While I sat on a nearby unbroken barstool, holding my head in my hands, the girl inspected the puddle wrapped the hose around her waist again.  “And thus justice prevails!” she intoned.

  I give up.  I will never skip class again.  

  “I can’t believe this is happening to me,” I groaned.  “Those things shouldn’t be here….”

  The girl stopped and gaped at me.  “Do you want to get rid of them?”

  “Uh.”  I stared back.  “Well.  I mean, yeah, I’d like them to be eradicated….”

  Seeing the wide smile on her face, I felt a shiver go down my spine.  “I saved you, right?  You owe me, right?”  

  Hm, where have I heard those words before?  “Possibly,” I said cautiously.  Oh no.  I see where this is going.

  “Great!” She rushed over and grabbed my hand.  “I’ve always wanted a sidekick!”

  “Side—” 

  “Wonderful!”  Excited, she cut me off.  “Alright then!”  Skipping off a few steps, she faced me again and bowed elaborately.  “Allow me to introduce myself.  I am called Bucky the Amoeba Slayer.  Salutations!”

  I guess I’ll argue about details later.  “I’m—”

  “Well, it’s time to get down to business!”  Already out the door, she beckoned to me.  “Let’s go, Kargararoth!”

  “That’s not my name!  Get back here!  Why don’t you have any normal clothes to change into?!  Are you listening to me?!”

This began our secret war against the flesh-eating amoebas.  It was only later that I found out how much trouble I was getting myself into….

Tbc.

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