My Gay Best Friend - June

My Gay Best Friend

--- K.P. Lennox

10:04 PM: Text from EAL Editor Sarah Luo received: “Harro! Can has articles :)”

10:15 PM: Crawl out of bed

10:17 PM: Trim artichokes. Throw in pot. Boil.

11:55 PM: Waste more time watching shirtless hippies on How the States Got Their Shape.

12:03 AM: Still distracted by the History Channel. Amazed by the melodrama of Decoded.

12:09 AM: Finally writing this article.

12:30 AM: Man vs. Wild comes on. 

12:42 AM: Oh just kidding, Bear Grylls is naked. There goes any chance of progress.

What can I say, yours truly is a HUGE procrastinator. So, seeing as how I’m now 9 days tardy on this issue I finally came up with an idea. This month’s GBF will be dedicated to the pros and cons of all things late.

WORK: 

Pro: SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP. Just think of those blissful extra 20 minutes of snoozing in 800 thread count Egyptian cotton. And of course you’ve got enough time to get an $18 handcrafted coffee beverage*.

Con:  You don’t want to risk job security, a verbal lashing by your boss, and those awkward glances from coworkers as you dejectedly walk to your desk.

*TIP*: If you know you’ll be late, swing by Starbucks—or some obscure hipster coffee house—and get your boss his or her favorite coffee. Nothing says I’m so sorry for being late like a soy caramel 137°C café misto with extra non-fat foam and half a valium.

PERIODS:

Pro: In 15 years you’ll have an indispensable form of free labor. In your elder years they can buy you things and change your diapers.

Con: You might not know exactly who the father is. Enter Jerry Springer! Not to mention squeezing something the size of a watermelon through…DOWN THERE!

FAMILY FUNERALS:

Pro: You had an awesome time doing shots of Jaeger off the chest of that hot waitress. And you got her number. It also may be your rich Great Aunt Beatrix in that casket, the crazy one with all the rabbit figurine, and you may just get a little somethin’ somethin’.

Con: You get stuck standing next to your creepy third cousin with the really greasy hair and zit on his face the size of a silver dollar. And it’s just your luck that he suffers from halitosis and has to talk to you every 20 seconds. To top it off, this hangover from the 17 Jaeger-bombs last night has you feeling like one of the undead.

For the wise advice from our GBF, please send all questions to ealadvice@gmail.com and your question may be answered in the next issue!!